If you'll pardon me for bringing this up one more time, I believe I've finally figured it out. A few days ago, while feeling discouraged, and even a little sorry for myself, I emailed daughter, Barb, at "A Chelsea Morning", and went on longer than I should have, about my work situation that really is very bad.

But even if it is, at some time it must be dealt with. Make some sense of it. And not keep churning it around in my head, and expect those who love me to keep hearing the uncomfortable details.

Barb did point out, (and she's so right) that I've been struggling with this very same thing for years, and like she's tried several times, she pointed out things about my working conditions that are very bad. So I decided to try to see the whole mess of it from her viewpoint.

It is awful that cats are allowed on the nursing unit. Big furry ones who have been there so long, the area where paperwork is done is their private territory. I am not the only staff who are bothered by them. Another nurse is so allergic, she bought some kind of expensive air purifier she brings to work and plugs in. I think it would be fine if some animals were brought in so the patients could enjoy them.

It is kind of difficult to concentrate on medical charting, and phone calls from doctors and other related details about patients' care, when you're sneezing your head off. Management is well aware of this problem with the cats, and it doesn't seem to be a big problem to them. But I've been thinking much about this. And I'm not real crazy about how the unit's scheduled.

It includes my working three twelve hour shifts in a row. What could I sensibly have been thinking when I agreed to that? Why is it even necessary for nurses to work like that?

In another daughter's post she titled "Deciding To Grow up" Bev, from "Scratchin' The Surface" pointed out a quote about personal growth she found in "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero. He wrote: "Most of us will not go forward until the pain of staying where we are is unbearable".

I found this out when I was foolish enough to work those three twelve hour shifts. I got through the first one alright, and was getting by on the second day of it, until a new admission became part of it, and the twelve hours turned into almost fourteen. As I write this I am not looking for sympathy, nothing like that. At home that night I crawled into bed wishing for more hours to rest, and when morning came much too soon, it took some real determination to get myself to work.

When that pitiful shift finally ended, all I needed was another nurse to count the narcotics with me, and I could leave. The one who usually counts with me was working extra, and not familiar with that unit, so I told her it was O.K., that I'd find someone else to do the count.

All I needed was about five minutes time. But the first nurse I asked quickly turned me down. I proceeded to another, and she also declined, not because of being in some rush about her work, She just didn't want to. I kept going down the long meandering halls, and by the time I was nearing the night supervisor, I had asked, and been turned down four times. I thought surely the supervisor would count with me. She didn't and quickly got on the phone, and in very brusk tones insisted that the first nurse do it.I could not believe the night was becoming like this, but I did what she said, and we got the counting over, I clocked out, and headed for my car.

Two days later at home I still felt drained, not just from being tired, but a hurting heartsick feeling, that people in this caring profession we're in, so clearly did not care. But some times good things come from bad. It was then that I recalled the quote about the pain of staying where you are, and realized I need to change a lot of things about my work.

Tomorrow I will go to the shift scheduler's office, and change over to being on-call, which means I won't work a regular schedule, but can choose my shifts. I won't have to deal with the cats on the Alzheimer unit any more.

It's almost a floodtide I'm feeling. Not that we function only by emotions. But with the misery of how it's been at work gone, I am freed to think farther now. I'm thinking of starting a business I know I'd do well. I would never succeed at making all the things daughter, Barb does. If anybody could ruin a poor sock monkey, I would surely wreck it to pieces. And I couldn't do all the home improvements daughter Bev makes her home so beautiful.

I think it's just as important to know what you're not good at, as what you are. My skill is dealing with people. I've been doing this with patients and their families for years. I think I will begin caring for elderly or homebound people, not so much medical care, but just being with them. I will go to where they are, so they don't have to bother with getting to and from cars. I've just begun thinking on this, and will let you know how it goes. I really think the ones who care for these people at home could use a break now and then.

I am so thankful now that those cats were driving me crazy, and that even nurses sometimes aren't very nice to their co-workers. And I hope that something I've written in this somehow helps you. I will let you know how my business idea grows.