How to deal with a knee that's not working? There should be a class for this. It affects all those things you need to do but can't. Going to bed at night is no longer a self absorbed anticipation of turning back neatly made covers. Do you have any idea how many times one must walk around a bed to make it? After trying that a couple of times with a crutch in one hand, and dragging my injured leg almost behind me, I realized I would fit back in the bed just fine, where I'd slept the night before. What's a few misplaced wrinkles. They served as well for indentations, as white lines around crime scene bodies.

Speaking of bodies, In those dreamy days before knee problems,I showered mine any time I cared to hop right in the tub. But it only took one episode of almost injuring, let's just say it wouldn't have been my knee, to make me more carefully descend and ascend the bathtub. Some days it does not seem worth the required effort for a shampoo and shower.

Unless you've dealt with these annoying restrictions, you might not understand how much I wish I could pull some weeds, or wash the car. Once in a while I'll start to walk in the house, and get halfway across a room, not realizing I forgot the crutches.

I think about patients I've had who lost arms or legs, and how hard that was and still is for them. My first amputee guy, a truck driver. dropped his cigarette, and when he tried to pick it up, the truck wrecked, and cost him both his legs.

Service men and women who don't have the pleasure of not using their arms or legs for only a while, brings me new found appreciation that they gave their arms or legs, and often, their lives to keep me safe.

While dealing with whatever's wrong with my leg, I've dug deep in my soul about other important things, and realize I've let huge boulders, and growing crevices of feeling incapable, insecure block my best intentions. long ago I set out to become a nurse, not because of dreamy eyed imaginations of nursing poor hurting patients. I suspect wanting pride in myself was a factor for starting the training, that,and needing money. I was working as a nursing assistant for very low pay. When I finished the training, it increased to six dollars an hour.

You'd think I would have done the math about it, but it was more of an ahha moment that came in all this time on my hands. Introspection just took over. Probably because of the nursing shortage, pay is much more now. but whatever the rate, even though my name tag says nurse, I been protituting. Please don't think a red light's blinking above my door. We find many ways to devalue ourselves. and they aren't all done in seedy back rooms signalized by a cloud of cheap perfume.

I have sold more than twentyfive years of my life for a paycheck, and the illusion that a job is guaranteed. I've ignored working conditions you would not believe. The hours nurses consistently work put patient care in jeopardy, and nurses' licenses at risk. What I finally had to ask myself was not the carping about working conditions, not any of that, but how much more of me will I sell.

I thank my Lord for this time of imposed inactivity, to review and evaluate the parts of my life. How many nights will I drive again those long lonely roads, especially in winter when it's storming. How many holidays will I disappoint my children because I'm not celebrating with them. I remember asking a nurse I worked with if she had a coming holiday off, and she said, in slightly lowered voice, that she'd worked so many she no longer expected to be off. I remember feeling sad for her, but also knew it could have been my words.

Have I completely forgotten the thrill of listening to a Forth of July marching band. Standing proudly with my hand over my heart as they go by? What am I doing with the freedom our flag and national anthem profess. It's not easy dealing with this knee pain I've had for weeks, but we'll get that fixed. I thank my Lord for slowing me down with it long enough to understand what I need to change. I think I hear a band starting up again.