Monday, March 12, 2007
This Marriage Business Needs A Silent Partner.......
In Liz Curtis Higgs' devotional: "Rise And Shine" she maintains:
When I read this week's CWO quote, I did not want to address it. How could I, who wouldn't qualify as poster girl of successful marriages, tell you how to build one. But then I thought, I've learned more from my mistakes, than when things went well. If you'd like to know what NOT to do to build a marriage that will last, I can tell you about that.
When brides and grooms promise to love, and to grow old together, I believe they mean it with all their heart. I know we did. Building a marriage requires more than a softly murmured candle lit promise.
A psychiatrist, Dr. Phill, points out that couples spend more time going over intricate details about their wedding, than they do planning how they'll live together, and then wonder why it isn't working. We get married, and maybe go on a trip, then come back to our jobs and new inlaws, and expect things to be wonderful. But something already is in motion that can do more harm than those new relatives.
When you consider that choosing room mates is usually iffy, (Ask your college kids) why would you be surprised that some details, some meeting of the minds about living together might be needed. In the honeymoon stage, we aren't very concerned with things like core values, but even then, we are using them. Like toothbrushes and family pictures, anywhere we go, we take them with us.
I couldn't understand why he spent money we couldn't afford on big game hunting trips, about the same time of year we needed to outfit six children for school. He couldn't understand why that was a problem. His family's priorities had taught him who makes decisions about those things. There were marriage problems more sensitive and serious than arguing about hunting trips, or school clothes. Inlaws visiting unexpectedly and staying for weeks, that was a big one. When trying to talk about it didn't help, I didn't argue and fuss or yell, but internally I seethed! If that didn't work, I tried manipulation. Neither got me very far, and our problems didn't get solved. They just kept stacking up. Can you imagine what that does to a foundation where the concrete's not good set. When more serious problems came, the battle to save the marriage was already more than half lost.
Some couples, where one is a Christian and the other isn't, may hold a marriage together, but with the important difference about Faith, unless that changes, it can take years to reach a working together, and many give up trying long before, or may even give up their faith, for nothing is nourishing it.
Parents may not value family precepts the same, and this causes children to form double standards. This confuses them. If they are taught that taking motel towels is wrong and are punished for it, but adultery is condoned, they may never take another towel, but they aren't learning how to be good marriage material, and the problem is passed on.
Someone said love is not a noun, it's a verb, which means there's action. A marriage either gets better or worse. It does not stand still.
I call love "life", which means it should be nourished. We do what we can, but something else is needed. Just as we can't give each other Heavenly joy, we need to ask His Strength from our wedding day on. Jesus cares about everything in our lives, and that includes our marriage. Let Him be the Silent Partner in yours.
"One of the secrets to a happy marriage is remembering the source of our joy, which is not one another. The source of our joy is the Lord. Yes, we share tons of joyous moments, but we don't expect, let alone demand, endless joy-filled moments from each other."
When I read this week's CWO quote, I did not want to address it. How could I, who wouldn't qualify as poster girl of successful marriages, tell you how to build one. But then I thought, I've learned more from my mistakes, than when things went well. If you'd like to know what NOT to do to build a marriage that will last, I can tell you about that.
When brides and grooms promise to love, and to grow old together, I believe they mean it with all their heart. I know we did. Building a marriage requires more than a softly murmured candle lit promise.
A psychiatrist, Dr. Phill, points out that couples spend more time going over intricate details about their wedding, than they do planning how they'll live together, and then wonder why it isn't working. We get married, and maybe go on a trip, then come back to our jobs and new inlaws, and expect things to be wonderful. But something already is in motion that can do more harm than those new relatives.
When you consider that choosing room mates is usually iffy, (Ask your college kids) why would you be surprised that some details, some meeting of the minds about living together might be needed. In the honeymoon stage, we aren't very concerned with things like core values, but even then, we are using them. Like toothbrushes and family pictures, anywhere we go, we take them with us.
I couldn't understand why he spent money we couldn't afford on big game hunting trips, about the same time of year we needed to outfit six children for school. He couldn't understand why that was a problem. His family's priorities had taught him who makes decisions about those things. There were marriage problems more sensitive and serious than arguing about hunting trips, or school clothes. Inlaws visiting unexpectedly and staying for weeks, that was a big one. When trying to talk about it didn't help, I didn't argue and fuss or yell, but internally I seethed! If that didn't work, I tried manipulation. Neither got me very far, and our problems didn't get solved. They just kept stacking up. Can you imagine what that does to a foundation where the concrete's not good set. When more serious problems came, the battle to save the marriage was already more than half lost.
Some couples, where one is a Christian and the other isn't, may hold a marriage together, but with the important difference about Faith, unless that changes, it can take years to reach a working together, and many give up trying long before, or may even give up their faith, for nothing is nourishing it.
Parents may not value family precepts the same, and this causes children to form double standards. This confuses them. If they are taught that taking motel towels is wrong and are punished for it, but adultery is condoned, they may never take another towel, but they aren't learning how to be good marriage material, and the problem is passed on.
Someone said love is not a noun, it's a verb, which means there's action. A marriage either gets better or worse. It does not stand still.
I call love "life", which means it should be nourished. We do what we can, but something else is needed. Just as we can't give each other Heavenly joy, we need to ask His Strength from our wedding day on. Jesus cares about everything in our lives, and that includes our marriage. Let Him be the Silent Partner in yours.
