I have been away so long it seems. Tried pulling up a post I wrote about my son, Jerry's, death, but I couldn't figure out how to post it. I intended to write other things about him, especially on Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personalty Disorder. though I didn't understand it when he was a child, now it is much clearer, and I am sure Jerry was a clasic case of it.

Knowing that doesn't ease the heartache of his dying, and how he chose to do it, but it dose make many things about his life easer to understand. Perhaps I will write more about it later. It is still hard to use the computer for very long.

I want to share with you why I've not posted. Have dealt with this knee replacement problem for three long months, and it still is not allright. Have another of many doctor's appointments in the morning, and ask you to pray (especially about ten a.m. Friday), when the doctor will decide if I'll have more surgery, or how we can make this situation bearable, for it hasn't been, and still isn't.

I am such a healthy person, and especially when I could still work, and walked a lot, was in great condition. I like to think I'm not a whiner, but the ongoing pain is very bad. There must be some way to make it better.

I do realize that attitude affects everything, though that may sound trite. So I kind of compare this awful situation to what's going on, in my front yard flower beds. Someone here before me planted pretty flowers, and this Spring they seem to be multiplying. I cannot clean and weed the beds like is needed, so there's healthy looking weeds trying to take over, and little dandelions, with their unfair reputation, must think themselves pretty, as they cozy right up next to the stately towering rainbow colored tulips tulips, that are scattered everywhere.

Recent snows have irrigated the yard so well, even the old growth at the base of the fleurdelis (flower of the lily), seems to have weathered winter well. All of this reminds me that, like our lives, you can't have the beauty of all that's growing there, without the dirt and weeds, and last year's wilted leaves. So I've been trying real hard to take in all the beauty, without cringing about the dying, and its uglyness.

Some days I do better than others. But I won't let the ugly parts of it rob me of a spring time. I'm getting really good at ignoring other things that could irritate, if I let them. I am not a picky housework person, just need a little cleanliness. It really was bothering me that some needs doing, so I tried, and discovered that dry dust mops work well for removing dust rings and balls. Not how Martha would do it, but oh well.

While trying to get well, I have reviewed my life more than I need to, and am reading as often and as much as I care. It is a real breakthrough, finally understanding the old testament more. I pay more attention to sunrises and sunsets now, and the trees flowering. Whatever was in my son's life that he could no longer bear, will always be a thorn I don't know how to get rid of. I thought by now it would have eased more. I think when people talk about getting over someone dying, it may be they just need the pain of it to end. Like making a bad dream go away. I'm not sure they ever do. But household dust and weeds in the flowerbeds are not keeping me from enjoying all the beauty of life that I can. So once again, ten o'clock Friday, please support me with your prayers while the doctor is deciding how to heal this leg. I so appreciate knowing you, and hope to stay in touch better.