Lately I've put myself in such a quandary I almost wonder if there is a point to this story, and needing to understand that, and maybe find some answers, I went to where it always feels so natural to be there, to my books.

Somewhere in between their old or new pages, I know I will find whatever it is I need. This is so comforting, the feeling I am safe, like I am when curled under my favorite blanket, while thunder and lightening claw at the windows so hard, I fear they'll break the anchored bolts with one roll of thunder, and race right in.

I don't know how you deal with wanting solutions and results, when it feels like it's forever before they come, but what I've noticed in my little universe is that God leaves hints about them all over the place, and I guess my job is to pay more attention to what He's trying to tell me.

If there were an exact timetable, or a well written instruction book to make things more clear, I might grasp them more quickly, but often I don't seem to, and to ease this self imposed frustration, you guessed it, I almost bury myself between pages, because it's difficult to worry when you're investigating new story plots.

Recently a daughter noticed my current style of life, which often leans toward boring, and she tenderly suggested I might put more fun and pleasure in my life, and because I value her insight and opinion,I commenced right away looking for more liveliness in movies, and certainly in more books, and these are what I found.

Already I am sounding slightly librarian. First I watched a movie the daughter gave me, "The Pursuit Of Happyness", and I think you'll agree that's a good way to approach putting more happy into living. The fact that the father and the son in it survived poverty, and then greatly flourished was a big encouragement to me.

I read a book, I actually took time to sit down and enjoy "Eat, Pray and Love" By Elizabeth Gilbert. It took me across Italy, and India, and Indonesia, and ventured deeply not only into religious beliefs, but much about morals, depending upon which direction they leaned, or whether you had any at all. And life itself from a woman's perspective kept coming up all through the book.

So far nothing I've read about or seen borders much on being lighthearted, except for situations Liz Gilbert couldn't seem to avoid getting caught in, especially in the section about love. She even seemed quite skilled at making the hard work of meditation almost easy, after some days of serious practice runs.

But I am trying to lighten up a bit here. Like Sara in The Land Before Time, I am alone, all alone. and sometimes lonely. So I found books, some very good ones, the kind that won't let their pages go unturned.

Max Lucado's "It's not About Me", and "In an Instant", by Lee and Bob Woodruff, who you may recognize is an ABC News Anchor man, are the ones I chose.

The first book is offfered as a "Rescue from the Life We Thought Would Make Us Happy", and the second one is called "A Family's Journey Of Love And Healing".

The fact that "In An instant' exploded in Iraq, where Woodruff was so injured, and in the process of reading about that, learning the blood and mud caked facts of that war, made the libray's wide expanse of current books all pale, and.I knew I must read that one first.

Lucado's "It's Not About me", I found in a thrift store, looking so new, one wondered if the previous owner ever turned a page. But I so needed to. People tell me I am Miss practicality, and I suppose there's merit in that. I got much more from this book than the two dollars it cost could have bought anywhere else.

If it hadn't accomplished anything else, it kept me in a good frame of thinking while waiting, day into another day, hoping, wondering if the phone would ever ring, about a job I'm wanting to get. In the first chapter "Not About Me" aligns our individual places in the universe, or perhaps just as importantly, on the streets where we live. While giving us some history that included ancients like Copernicus and Ptolemy, Lucado points out: "What Copernicus did for the earth, God does for our souls."

On page six I especially appreciated reading about the purpose and function of the moon. In a kind of "He also serves who only stands and waits", I now perceive more clearly the moon's reason for being. The author says: "The moon is at peace in her place. And because she is, soft light touches a dark earth." Is there anybody on this planet of ours who couldn't learn from how he explained that.

I'll admit I haven't read much farther in the book, but I will. Like the moon, I could absorb all that's shining in it, and maybe God would send me to put some rays of sun in people's' lives who need it.

Lee and Bob Woodruff's "In An Instant" makes me want to immediately declare another war. But since our country has more than enough of one to deal with now, I'll just spend my hours reading more about how Woodruff's family survived what happened to him there, and perhaps learn more about his family, and Iraq, and the war that rages there.

As early as in the first twenty eight pages of this book we are given a description not only of Woodruff being hit by an improvised explosive device, an IED, but a close up of the blood, thunder, and gut spilling killing that continues there.

Not that one could even speak of describing that land of war as if it's a place to visit, but Woodruff, in his realness of being there gives us mind eye mental pictures of "temperatures fluctuating to extremes, from blistering heat to chilling desert cold during the winter months." And he points out "You don't actually see the cold because the landscape remains forever the same, dusty and flat, during every season of the year."

When I heard that description of this strange and foreign place, I thought how hungry our soldiers must sometimes get to see the hills and valleys they left here, to go and fight that inexplicable war.

I chose those books to distract me from my eagerness and concern about this job I'm hoping to get. Either one of them merits better reasons to read them. But I must fill my mind with whatever I can. Words and thoughts strong enough to drive out doubt, and low regard for myself.

Though I talk as if I'm confident, sometimes I'm not, at least not enough. Little Aileen Quinn, our beloved "Annie", and Will Smith, in The Pursuit of Happyness", have courage and determination all over me, when it comes to having them right now.

Since the twelfth of June, when the Human Resource person let me know the job was posted, I've been trying so hard to be patient, and most days done alright with hanging on about it. But I haven't claimed nearly enough confidence as my own, and after learning that applicants were being rated, and another ten days elapsed, even buying new clothes and painting my nails a pretty shade hasen't prevented self doubt sneaking in., and I am realizing I need some Confidence! Now!

Almost two more weeks passed, and last night, after working very late, and again this morning, I mentally beat me up again all over myself,. and wondered if I should call the HR person, so I'd at least know if the job was assigned. I imagined all kinds of negative possibilities.

Someone else probably had more education and experience, and although it's not suppose to be allowed, was I eliminated because I'm older? Self pity doubled, tripled here. Made me realize how American Idol contestants must feel, when they've given the best performance they know how to, and that rude and arrogant guy who talks with a foreign accent sitting there so smugly sure of himself, rips their hopes and dreams apart under the guise that he's helping them.

I was really doing a self destructive number on myself. Perhaps I should consider public speaking, or become an auctioneer. If our military trained and fought wars like I was behaving this morning, America never would have won wars, and become, and protect the country it is.

Over my first morning coffee I reviewed in my head all that's clearly in my corner about this. Hopes and wishes I placed in a silent stack. Facts are all that's now needed, " the facts Mam, just the facts". Scenes from Dragnet try to interrupt, but I'm hurrying now.

From the first day I met this HR person, she's actively helped several times, first by checking my paper work with great detail, and she explained much about the hiring process, and she phoned to make sure I knew about the job vacancy, and called again, telling me more of how the process was moving along.

I remember the first time we met in her office. She took time to check my former employment there, and pointed out attributes in my favor, and since then has been nothing than most helpful .

Carefully I dialed her number, I thought, but was so uptight I got a wrong extension, where a voice who sounded like she was smiling forwarded me to the number I needed. "Courage, girl", I thought, as I waited, and what she said when she picked up the phone sang to me like a favorite melody. The hiring process is not yet finished! My name is still in the ring!!

In the meantime there's work to do. I'll find someone who will give me a wonderful hair cut, for a physical boost, and maybe I'll polish my nails once again, And if I have to practice everyday in front of a floor length mirror, I will banish all self defeating thoughts from my lips and my ears. They will not be allowed within fifty feet of wherever I am.

It is past time to put into action the self help wisdom I've learned throughout the years. God didn't let me become what I know that I know that I am, for no reason. He has more for me to do, I'm sure of it now.

I am still in the running. This time I'm not trying to persuade the "Rubber Tree plant ant" to push away only one of them. I've been mentally willing this jungle called life and the world it is in to roll out the trail I need to be on, when all this time, this angel disquised as an HR person made sure I am on it. I have studied and worked, and prepared a long time for this, so of course I am in the running. I always was. I think this will be the easiest job I've ever had. Because I finally understand I am only the arms and legs, and a well trained mind, ready for our Lord to use as He wishes, but the consolation prize I get is a peaceful and Happy Heart.