"The worth and excellency of a soul is to be measured by the object of its love". A Henry Scougal quote (from the Life of God in the soul of man) quoted by John Piper in the Pleasures of God.

When I read this week's CWO quote, I thought "This one will be easy". "I'll just tell them where I placed my love through the years", and when I'm done the picture of it will be clear. But before I write even the beginning of it I'm thinking, "How do I tell these Christian women all about this?

I remember feeling whatever love is when a grandparent would gave me a hug, But that was such a different time. No one knew then that we needed several of them every day.

In first grade the teacher decorated a box for the class to put Valentines in, and we had cup cakes with cute little candy hearts on them, but that's about all the teacher explained about whatever love is.

I was about eight years old, and so afraid no one would put cards in the box for me, I sent a few to myself, and then couldn't tell if anybody sent others. The dealing with love was already getting complicated.

I cannot remember tender words or caresses from my parents, except once when my father rubbed his unshaven chin against my face, and seemed to think it was humorous. It wasn't, it scratched. By seventh grade though, I was becoming aware of boys. Not that I ever got close to one then, for they were more shy than me. Time will never record how different my life might have been , if a boy named Arley Reynolds who couldn't talk to me for giggling, had been brave enough to take my little hand, or, God forbid, try to kiss me.

When I went to church, the preacher talked more about Hell Damnation, than he did about God, and that only taught me to be afraid. I still didn't know anything much about love and loving. But I did spend a lot of time with an aunt, and though she didn't say much about it, how she treated me was better than speeches, and I developed her attitude about caring and helping and encouraging others.

I went through a long, dry spell of twenty five years, in a marriage almost void of tenderness. So much so I was surprised, when after having a baby, a nurse washed my face with a cool wet cloth, and that human touch Bruce Springsteen sings so determinedly about brought sweet tears. Closer to now, when a daughter came to see me, one night we were talking like we did on many while she was here. When she started to go to bed she gently brushed my forehead with a quick goodnight kiss. It's a moment I will never forget.

As you know, moms get very busy while the children are growing, and that's where I placed my need to love others. Seeing them become good boys and girls and students was all the reward I needed.

But still, life can feel pretty empty sometimes. I know I did after finally divorcing. Entering the scene of this town's singles I didn't even realize how much I was fair game. But it certainly validated why women leave men like most of the ones I encountered. And it wasn't much better at my job. Most of the employees there were men. So I still wasn't much more enlightened about whatever love is suppose to be.

In my friendships with women I attracted needy ones, and formed the habit of thinking God put me here to fix their problems. Of course it never worked. As soon as I stopped solving them, they either reverted to former behavior, or found new ones for me to fix. If I'd been a regular church member then, the pastor would have found lots of work for me to do.

Somehow through those ill equipped years, not much educated, but even then, so wanting to learn, and to know and understand things better than I did, I believe our Lord put just the right books where I'd read them, really good ones like "Boundaries"and others that helped me understand it's not vain to have self regard.

Jesus spelled it out so clearly in the Bible, that we're to love others, as we love our selves. I don't know if it might be a Southern thing, for social rules for women there were heavily laden. Maybe it's like that all over, but those unspoken lessons we got in childhood about living, somehow left the idea that we're not suppose to value self esteem, like it's bragging, and not a nice thing, when those who don't acquire enough of it in early childhood, are at high risk to be narcissistic, one of the most serious mental illnesses there is.

I no longer attract those looking for bleeding hearts, but find more healthy relationships, where neither of us leans too heavily. Now I understand it's not being helpful to take on others' responsibilities. Whether it's family or acquaintances, I respect their need to have healthy pride in figuring out their lives. Through home study groups from the church I realized God gave me the task of being an encourager, and I thoroughly enjoy carrying out that mission. But every now and then, when I'm a little pensive, I still wonder how my life might have been, if I'd let silly Arlie Reynolds try to kiss me.